For various reasons I'd rather not discuss, I sat around, drank Johnny Walker Red on the rocks and typed notes on Friday night at the X Games.  It was undeniably the  most horrible night of television I have ever endured.  The results are here:

9:36pm: Do I really want to be watching Snowmobile racing right now or should I keep it on Clear & Present Danger over on AMC?  Either way this Friday night is going to be FUCKING NUTSO!

9:43pm: Snowmobiles are still going around in circles... in the meantime Jack Ryan just figured out that the Cali "car bomb" blast was actually caused by a specially constructed laser-guided GBU-28 made of cellulose and dropped from high altitude by an F/A-18D Hornet. 

9:45pm What rap artists did they convince to make a song about "hometown girl" Gretchen Bleiler and Levi Levalee that would be played while ESPN threw it to a commercial break over a Phil Collins sample?  Are the guys who did this available for Bar Mitzvah bookings?  How about birthdays?

9:54pm: Snnnooowwwmoooobbiilless.... gooooooiiinnnngggg round!

10:00: And hey!  It's snowboard time!  The first bit of news I have is that Gretchen Bleiler injured her "left buttocks muscle earlier this week..."   She was throwing a hell of a run together there for a minute before she fell.  And, of course, a 20 second halfpipe run by Gretchen Bleiler is worth 3 minutes of commercial break.  

10:08: Love the quasi pigtails on Hannah Teeter.  Vermont people fucking kick ass.  Hannah is our new leader.

10:11 Jesus' co-pilot, Kelly Clark, is now in the lead... and if I was a betting man, I would say she just won it.

10:22  X Games postergirl Gretchen just got rocked on the deck.  That hurts like a bastard, so it's good to see her moving around with a smile on her face and riding away.  Why can't all the beautiful ones be as cool as her?  Is it really so hard?  Just drop the designer jeans and the attitude, pick up a snowboard and be friendly to everyone.  The world would be a better place...

10:25: Some girl named Hollingsworth is about to go on live TV, and frankly I am just shocked!  I can't believe ESPN would put someone on TV other than Bleiler, Teter, Clark, or Bright.  Just astounding.

10:39: "Being a cop has always been dangerous... but it's never been this deadly.  Tune in this week, for an all new Life on Mars."

10:42: Oh, hey, look at that... Sarah Burke won gold in the pipe, ESPN just devoted a whole 30-second recap to the women's ski pipe contest.  

10:59: So that's that.  Bright won again, Clark second.  Now on to the brand new event, "Snowmobile Next Trick," or as it might more aptly be called: The "Hey ESPN it's Red Bull here and we convinced one of our snowmobile team riders to try a double backflip (his lucrative contract renewal coming up, don't you know) and we'd like you to find some kind of new event to let him try this double backflip in primetime television with Red Bull logos all over his sled and we know you're down because you're well aware of the ratings you always pull when some guy risks his life for your advertisers so just build him a special jump/ramp find three other guys who can clear a different jump to make it look semi-legit as a competition" Event. 

11:14: As mad as I am that I am having to endure ad after ad about the virtues of the suspension on the Jeep Wrangler and the undeniable benefits that would accrue to me after enlisting in the Navy, I take solace that I am not sitting around in 10 degree weather at the base of Buttermilk Mountain waiting for this double backflip and thinking about the 30 minute wait for the buses I have coming up. Whiskey and a couch provide a better vantage point. 

11:22: A lot of those Moto guys take pride in their blonde Orange County girlfriends, but I have to say Levi has them beat by a kilometer... the woodchuck Canuck accent puts his girl in a different league.

11:29: Alright, Levi... don't get killed...

11:35: Um... what just happened?  He didn't ride away so it doesn't count?  And some gap-toothed hick just won?  I feel cheated.  That was undoubtedly the worst night of televised sports I have endured in a while.